This will be a rant.
So I have "itchy feet" again. In Danae-speak, that means any number of things. 1) I need to leave the country for a week or two and come back. 2) I want to quit my job and dig wells in Vietnam or help build orphanages in South Africa or drive a van through the US without showering.
Maybe it's because I had a really bad day. Maybe it's because I'm reading a book about quitting your job and driving around the country. Maybe it's because I've been moody all day.
And I keep jumping back and forth between wanting to quit my job and move to a third-world country and wanting to adopt.
Steve says that I can say these things knowing that he'll hold me back and I won't actually have to go through with my plans. Mainly, that my talk is cheap.
But it doesn't FEEL cheap. It doesn't FEEL like I'm saying these things in vain. I FEEL like I could turn away and not look back as often as people think I should. My friend Vanessa says I'm cold like that. It's not that I'm cold, I don't think, it's that I know when it's time for something to pass on. Maybe that's why I deleted most of my high school friends on Facebook...
And it would be hard. It would be SO hard. But I don't know, at times, if it would be harder helping people and seeing heartache every day or slowly dying at MTV.
WHAT IS THE POINT OF LIFE IF YOU NEVER LIVE IT?!?!
And I've lived it more than other people have. But always in sort of a bubble. I've walked through streets with my family. My mom with her Burberry purse and my sister with her bleached hair and Dior sunglasses and I love them for who they are. But I wonder what it would be like to actually stay in a village instead of the most expensive hotel in the city or what it would be like to build something with my own hands.
Maybe I just want to f- up my life a little bit, to be a little less responsible while there's still time. I still want to adopt. I still don't want to own a house. There's little things like that that I don't mind. But who says we have to be responsible all the time? Maybe God's not at a 9-5 job. But maybe He is...just not mine.
I know that God will be with me and that He'll guide me as he always has. Could this be God pulling at my heart? And if it is, why won't He pull on my husbands too?! I'm praying for guidance and wisdom and fasting for it and...I just don't know. I'm at a loss.
Maybe I just need a vacation. Hell if I know.
Again........COME HERE!!!!!! just pack up and do it! Steve can still do his thing from herer! So you will have money and yet you can help us look after the orphans!
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Haha! I just showed it to Steve :-D One can hold out hope, right?
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Personally I think you were just blessed with too much love to give and you haven't found enough people to give it to yet. I'm convinced that you are going to find whatever it is you are looking for someday. From what I understand, focusing on your relationship with God and praying about it are about the best way to be okay with where you are in life and figure out where it is you should be going.
ReplyDeleteI also think we are part of a generation that makes us believe we should be able to do whatever we want with little consequence - even if the "whatever we want" is something that would help other people. That probably sounds worse than I want it to (the Interweb lacking tone and all) but I think us kids were just raised to believe in endless possibilities and that if we don't follow our hearts we'll be left unsatisfied. Different from our parents generation who were raised to believe that a hard day's work and nice house and providing a lot of everything for your children was the only thing that mattered. I don't believe one of these ideals has more merit than the other of course! I have similar feelings about quitting my job and doing what I want and I sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if I'd listened to the more adventurous part of myself last summer and moved to NYC. Not something I want to consider really, but I think our generation is always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.
On a side note - you might still be eligible to join Americorp in NYC. I've had several friends do it and it definitely isn't easy and involves making things with your hands (a friend of ours in Bklyn helped build houses in the ghetto). Its not South Africa, but its a start!
Sorry for writing so much!