I've been talking to a few people about God's love and God's love for me. I'm just going to throw this all out there so...that's the best introduction I can muster. :)
Growing up, my father had a strict religious upbringing, my mother's told me. To the point where, if my father came home and he was the only person there, he feared the Rapture had happened and that he had missed it. That he was, somehow, left behind. I think that fear has followed me my whole life.
It started, really, with going to my grandmother's church. She refused to come to ours because she said our faith was 'dead' and that she couldn't stand it. I remember a member of my extended family, someone I recognized, flailing on the ground and yelling. It scared me. Look, us Lutherans don't really put on a show. When we get hand-clapping, I always laugh because we appear awkward in our movement during service. You just don't DO that.
My friend in 4th grade would let me come to her house and we would watch videos on the Rapture. I remember these two girls who had missed it and I watched as they arrested one of them for believing in Christ and I remember her head being chopped off by a guillotine. The other girl received the Mark of the Beast. I would wake up in cold sweats after that. I would cry to my mother that I was afraid of the concept of 'forever' and what if God decided that He didn't love me? That I wasn't good enough for him?
When I was in middle school, I LOVED horror books. Loved to read Stephen King, even though my parents insisted on blacking out the curse words (this is how big of a dork I was, if I ran across any they missed, I blacked them out myself). I remember a friend of mine looking me straight in the eye and telling me I was going to hell for reading those books. We would go to her church lock-ins and I remember specifically being told that teenagers couldn't accept God and that we were all going to hell if we died at that very moment. Another friend of mine who came was so scared that she cried and re-committed herself to God that night. But she was terrified. What if God hated her?
I hear people say things and I stiffen. I know that they are about God and the love of God, but I can hear the voices of the people who influenced me when I'm younger and I rebel against them. Then I get guilty. Those words are about God, what if He thinks I don't love Him? Then what? I have never been able to look at myself at say that I will go to heaven. I can't say those things about myself. I feel that God will change His mind. I know that I am saved by grace. Just don't ask me where I'm going once I die.
I know that people will ask if I have forgiven these people. I assume that I have. I don't hold that bitterness anymore. Is that forgiveness? I can tell you that I didn't talk to my grandmother for two years, but I put it aside.
But I still feel like what Father Boyle describes in Tattoos On The Heart in the section 'God, I Guess': You concede "God loves us," and yet there is this lurking sense that perhaps you aren't fully part of the "us." The arms of God reach to embrace, and somehow you feel yourself just outside God's fingertips."
I'm trying to rip the clods of dirt off my heart. Trying to rip away all the things that I go back to (*cough* *cough* FEAR). I'm trying to look in the mirror and love myself. Because I feel like if I could love myself, that would help too. I could go into all the stories in high school...the 8th grade baseball team who called me a beached whale, but this is already getting long.
I'm hopeful that, if I could see what God sees, that I could love myself and accept that God would love me with all my cellulite, with my obsessions, with my want to help EVERYONE, whether or not I actually can. That I don't have to please EVERYONE and that God loves me even if I hate my haircut or think my arm fat flap in the wind. And that He doesn't want me to have the fear I have...the fear I have is not the good kind...it is the kind that will eventually kill me.
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The Blame Game
There's a service every other Thursday at our church where people give the message. Today is my day! I'm a bit nervous, but I thought I'd share my message with you.
It's a bit long, but it is supposed to be like a 10 minute sermon. It's on blaming God.
________________________________________________________________________________
I was at a Sara Groves concert and she told us a story about Vedran Smajlović, a cellist who was part of the Sarajevo String Quartet. He was sitting at his window one day when he watched a bomb fall from the sky onto a bread line, killing 22 people.
I have to wonder if he asked where God was in that moment.
MSNBC was reporting on Haiti and the story that I remember most was a 2-year-old girl being treated for gonorrehea after being raped.
Where was God for her?
Steve and I walked through a slum in Ethiopia, where they were burning dead dogs and rubber where the children were playing and where a woman brought me into her home to show me a picture of her young son, no older than 8 years old, who had died 4 months earlier from the same disease she was dying from.
Sometimes, you just want to look to the sky and scream, 'Why?'
There are so many things that happen in this world that we just can't explain and the words of Jeremiah seem very, very far away. Jeremiah 29:11 says, 'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' But there are days when we can't see that promise, days when loved ones die, when we lose our jobs, when we see a disaster that couldn't have been avoided. We turn to God and say, 'it's all your fault.'
We've been doing that for years. YEARS. Even Adam and Eve took to blaming God. In Genesis 12, Adam says "The woman YOU put here with me—SHE gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it." Does it get any more pointed then that? YOU did this. You.
We’ve perfected it over time, I think. We blame the restaurants that we’re overweight, we blame the government for the greed of banks. I think it’s more frightening when we blame things like Hurricaine Katrina on abortion, the earthquake in Haiti on the voodoo of their ancestors or the deaths of our soldiers because the United States is beginning to accept homosexuals in society.
When we look at the world and the pain we find in it, it’s easier to accept that God is angry with us, rather than a loving God who would so willingly let us suffer. But, as I was thinking about this, I came to think that maybe it’s easier to blame a loving God, because we feel that He should have been for us. Anger is what we deserve, but when He says that He loves us...and we get THIS...it’s hard to comprehend.
Ellie Wiesel's 'Night,' a book that follows Mr. Wiesel’s horror-filled years in a concentration camp, speaks so clearly to the pain we feel in this world and how we turn to God, in our inability to understand how He could love us and still bring us to this point, and just say, 'How could You?'
A pain so acute and biting, so soul-wrenching that Weisel quotes one of his fellow concentration camp members as saying 'I've got more faith in Hitler than in anyone else. He's the only one who's kept his promises, all his promises, to the Jewish people.'
But I don't think God is indifferent to our suffering. And for as much as Weisel threw his anger at God, I think there was a part of him that understood the pain as well. Later on, he describes watching a 14-year-old boy being hanged from the gallows:
Behind me, I heard the same man asking:
"For God's sake, where is God?"
And from within me, I heard a voice answer: "Where is He? This is where--hanging here from this gallows..."
God feels our pain. God knows our suffering. The cross reminds us of that. Jesus suffered and died for us, he felt pain, he was tempted. He felt anguish and frustration and he cried out to God, take this cup away from me! Not only did Jesus ask for the cup to be taken away, but he asked for it to be taken and knew the reason behind his pain. Jesus knew why. It’s somewhat comforting to know that even God’s son cried out, ‘My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?’ even though He knew it was for the best, that it was what needed to happen.
Adam and Eve blamed God because it was easier to say that God hurt us rather than look at themselves and see the evil that was within. I don’t think that God wants to be away from us. But when Adam and Eve let sin into the world, God had to walk out of the garden. In His perfection, it hurt to see imperfection take over his beautiful creation. But he couldn’t leave us alone and He never really has.
God has shown us throughout the Old and New Testaments how the bad in our lives makes us who we are, how the bad in the world, can sometimes be what saves us. He cures in a way that we can’t understand when our hearts are aching. Moses was a murderer who was driven out of the only home he’d ever known. Abraham waited for years and years and YEARS before God blessed him with what he’d always wanted. David was an adulterer. In their darkest moments, they may have felt deserted, but they grabbed on to God’s promises and refused to let go. And God wouldn’t leave them. They were His beloved. And so are we, even when we hurt.
I’ve always had a problem with that, being loved. I’ve never really loved myself. I am critical of who I am and how I look. I overanalyze whether I lied to a homeless person about having money or whether or not my butt is too big or if I should just swallow my pride and not get angry with my boss. I am not good enough for God. I guess that’s blaming God too. Less of a turning to the sky, but more of a turning to the mirror. To look at God’s creation and say that it’s just not good enough.
That’s a bit easier to understand, when we compact it into and onto ourselves. If only I had been two feet taller or 10 pounds lighter. If only I was kinder or more normal. If only. I wonder if the lepers Jesus healed ever looked at their blistered hands and feet and say, ‘God, if only...’ Jesus understood and Jesus saw past all of those worldly things, society’s disgust and pride, and sees past those worldly things in each and every one of us. Jesus knows our fear and our hurt and knows what it means to say, ‘God, if only...’ and has offered to carry that burden for us. To guide us in our faith to trust that God’s plan will always turn out all right.
Faith is not knowing that everything will be blindingly brilliant, that our lives will be beacons to those around us and that we will have those 2.5 children and a white picket fence and live happily ever after. Faith is not having all the answers. Faith is knowing that we will see pain, that we will experience unanswerable suffering, suffering that feels so heavy and unending, but that we are not suffering alone. We have never suffered alone and we never will. The cross assures us of that.
God will bring us comfort like streams in the desert and pull us to the other side through our pain in ways we would never have imagined. The cellist of Sarajevo took his cello into the crater of the bomb and played in mourning for 22 days for the people who had died in the bread line. As the shells and the bombs fell all around him, he played to honor those people and his act is credited as helping bring the atrocities of the Siege of Sarajevo to the international press. The image I see in the mirror is a little bit more beautiful each day. And the people we met in Ethiopia...I think they changed our hearts more than we could ever change theirs.
Our God is a God of love, of promises and of new beginnings, in both our dire and everyday circumstances. There will always be hurt, but we will always make it through. Because He knows the plans He has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future.
It's a bit long, but it is supposed to be like a 10 minute sermon. It's on blaming God.
________________________________________________________________________________
I was at a Sara Groves concert and she told us a story about Vedran Smajlović, a cellist who was part of the Sarajevo String Quartet. He was sitting at his window one day when he watched a bomb fall from the sky onto a bread line, killing 22 people.
I have to wonder if he asked where God was in that moment.
MSNBC was reporting on Haiti and the story that I remember most was a 2-year-old girl being treated for gonorrehea after being raped.
Where was God for her?
Steve and I walked through a slum in Ethiopia, where they were burning dead dogs and rubber where the children were playing and where a woman brought me into her home to show me a picture of her young son, no older than 8 years old, who had died 4 months earlier from the same disease she was dying from.
Sometimes, you just want to look to the sky and scream, 'Why?'
There are so many things that happen in this world that we just can't explain and the words of Jeremiah seem very, very far away. Jeremiah 29:11 says, 'For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' But there are days when we can't see that promise, days when loved ones die, when we lose our jobs, when we see a disaster that couldn't have been avoided. We turn to God and say, 'it's all your fault.'
We've been doing that for years. YEARS. Even Adam and Eve took to blaming God. In Genesis 12, Adam says "The woman YOU put here with me—SHE gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it." Does it get any more pointed then that? YOU did this. You.
We’ve perfected it over time, I think. We blame the restaurants that we’re overweight, we blame the government for the greed of banks. I think it’s more frightening when we blame things like Hurricaine Katrina on abortion, the earthquake in Haiti on the voodoo of their ancestors or the deaths of our soldiers because the United States is beginning to accept homosexuals in society.
When we look at the world and the pain we find in it, it’s easier to accept that God is angry with us, rather than a loving God who would so willingly let us suffer. But, as I was thinking about this, I came to think that maybe it’s easier to blame a loving God, because we feel that He should have been for us. Anger is what we deserve, but when He says that He loves us...and we get THIS...it’s hard to comprehend.
Ellie Wiesel's 'Night,' a book that follows Mr. Wiesel’s horror-filled years in a concentration camp, speaks so clearly to the pain we feel in this world and how we turn to God, in our inability to understand how He could love us and still bring us to this point, and just say, 'How could You?'
A pain so acute and biting, so soul-wrenching that Weisel quotes one of his fellow concentration camp members as saying 'I've got more faith in Hitler than in anyone else. He's the only one who's kept his promises, all his promises, to the Jewish people.'
But I don't think God is indifferent to our suffering. And for as much as Weisel threw his anger at God, I think there was a part of him that understood the pain as well. Later on, he describes watching a 14-year-old boy being hanged from the gallows:
Behind me, I heard the same man asking:
"For God's sake, where is God?"
And from within me, I heard a voice answer: "Where is He? This is where--hanging here from this gallows..."
God feels our pain. God knows our suffering. The cross reminds us of that. Jesus suffered and died for us, he felt pain, he was tempted. He felt anguish and frustration and he cried out to God, take this cup away from me! Not only did Jesus ask for the cup to be taken away, but he asked for it to be taken and knew the reason behind his pain. Jesus knew why. It’s somewhat comforting to know that even God’s son cried out, ‘My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?’ even though He knew it was for the best, that it was what needed to happen.
Adam and Eve blamed God because it was easier to say that God hurt us rather than look at themselves and see the evil that was within. I don’t think that God wants to be away from us. But when Adam and Eve let sin into the world, God had to walk out of the garden. In His perfection, it hurt to see imperfection take over his beautiful creation. But he couldn’t leave us alone and He never really has.
God has shown us throughout the Old and New Testaments how the bad in our lives makes us who we are, how the bad in the world, can sometimes be what saves us. He cures in a way that we can’t understand when our hearts are aching. Moses was a murderer who was driven out of the only home he’d ever known. Abraham waited for years and years and YEARS before God blessed him with what he’d always wanted. David was an adulterer. In their darkest moments, they may have felt deserted, but they grabbed on to God’s promises and refused to let go. And God wouldn’t leave them. They were His beloved. And so are we, even when we hurt.
I’ve always had a problem with that, being loved. I’ve never really loved myself. I am critical of who I am and how I look. I overanalyze whether I lied to a homeless person about having money or whether or not my butt is too big or if I should just swallow my pride and not get angry with my boss. I am not good enough for God. I guess that’s blaming God too. Less of a turning to the sky, but more of a turning to the mirror. To look at God’s creation and say that it’s just not good enough.
That’s a bit easier to understand, when we compact it into and onto ourselves. If only I had been two feet taller or 10 pounds lighter. If only I was kinder or more normal. If only. I wonder if the lepers Jesus healed ever looked at their blistered hands and feet and say, ‘God, if only...’ Jesus understood and Jesus saw past all of those worldly things, society’s disgust and pride, and sees past those worldly things in each and every one of us. Jesus knows our fear and our hurt and knows what it means to say, ‘God, if only...’ and has offered to carry that burden for us. To guide us in our faith to trust that God’s plan will always turn out all right.
Faith is not knowing that everything will be blindingly brilliant, that our lives will be beacons to those around us and that we will have those 2.5 children and a white picket fence and live happily ever after. Faith is not having all the answers. Faith is knowing that we will see pain, that we will experience unanswerable suffering, suffering that feels so heavy and unending, but that we are not suffering alone. We have never suffered alone and we never will. The cross assures us of that.
God will bring us comfort like streams in the desert and pull us to the other side through our pain in ways we would never have imagined. The cellist of Sarajevo took his cello into the crater of the bomb and played in mourning for 22 days for the people who had died in the bread line. As the shells and the bombs fell all around him, he played to honor those people and his act is credited as helping bring the atrocities of the Siege of Sarajevo to the international press. The image I see in the mirror is a little bit more beautiful each day. And the people we met in Ethiopia...I think they changed our hearts more than we could ever change theirs.
Our God is a God of love, of promises and of new beginnings, in both our dire and everyday circumstances. There will always be hurt, but we will always make it through. Because He knows the plans He has for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us hope and a future.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
'I Desire Mercy, Not Sacrifice'
I keep spelling 'sacrifice' wrong, but that's beside the point.
It's funny how God directs us. I think that when something happens and you see it two or three (or sometimes four or five) times, that it's a message and it's a message you're supposed to get.
My husband and I were talking about Mercy vs. Sacrifice, then, of course, Heavenly Humor (a lovely lady!!) blogged about it!
There are things in my life that are definitely sacrifice. Being part of the Advent Mission Fund is most definitely sacrifice and a sacrifice I wish I hadn't committed to. There are things in my life that are mercy. I think this luncheon that is coming up is mercy...I don't HAVE to have this luncheon and I really, REALLY want it to raise money for these kids that I'm going to meet in May.
But what I want to know is:
I know that I've talked about what's going on before, but I kind of want to not refer to it by name today, if that's all right? You know, I want it to be a left hand-right hand thing (even if it can't be) and I'm trying to figure it all out.
So, when I first thought about it, I don't know if it was sacrifice or mercy. When she e-mailed me back, it became so overwhelming, I felt like I HAD to do it. (sacrifice). I had the testing done (sacrifice) and I was scared. I was terrified and I was having panic attacks. After a few weeks, I told her I couldn't do it. A month goes by, a month and a half goes by, but I still think about it. It comes up in different ways (my mom mentions it without even realizing it) and it's still on my mind. The fear that I had before was gone and I feel that maybe this is something God is calling me to do (mercy?).
Now, the doctor's appointment I have this Friday is 7 hours long (sacrifice) and I'm going to miss work (sacrifice), but Christ gave his life and so I can give a part of mine (mercy?).
What do you believe defines the line and the difference between the two?
UPDATE: I think I'm feeling a little bit better about a few things. Andrea made a comment. Though I was thinking of sacrifice as something that I didn't WANT to do, I think I like thinking it's something I HAVE to do. Mercy is more of a choice. Of course, this may not be how everyone sees it and maybe it's because I'm trying to define the two and that one just works well with my situation ;)
It's funny how God directs us. I think that when something happens and you see it two or three (or sometimes four or five) times, that it's a message and it's a message you're supposed to get.
My husband and I were talking about Mercy vs. Sacrifice, then, of course, Heavenly Humor (a lovely lady!!) blogged about it!
There are things in my life that are definitely sacrifice. Being part of the Advent Mission Fund is most definitely sacrifice and a sacrifice I wish I hadn't committed to. There are things in my life that are mercy. I think this luncheon that is coming up is mercy...I don't HAVE to have this luncheon and I really, REALLY want it to raise money for these kids that I'm going to meet in May.
But what I want to know is:
Can what was once seen as sacrifice become an act of mercy?
I know that I've talked about what's going on before, but I kind of want to not refer to it by name today, if that's all right? You know, I want it to be a left hand-right hand thing (even if it can't be) and I'm trying to figure it all out.
So, when I first thought about it, I don't know if it was sacrifice or mercy. When she e-mailed me back, it became so overwhelming, I felt like I HAD to do it. (sacrifice). I had the testing done (sacrifice) and I was scared. I was terrified and I was having panic attacks. After a few weeks, I told her I couldn't do it. A month goes by, a month and a half goes by, but I still think about it. It comes up in different ways (my mom mentions it without even realizing it) and it's still on my mind. The fear that I had before was gone and I feel that maybe this is something God is calling me to do (mercy?).
Now, the doctor's appointment I have this Friday is 7 hours long (sacrifice) and I'm going to miss work (sacrifice), but Christ gave his life and so I can give a part of mine (mercy?).
What do you believe defines the line and the difference between the two?
UPDATE: I think I'm feeling a little bit better about a few things. Andrea made a comment. Though I was thinking of sacrifice as something that I didn't WANT to do, I think I like thinking it's something I HAVE to do. Mercy is more of a choice. Of course, this may not be how everyone sees it and maybe it's because I'm trying to define the two and that one just works well with my situation ;)
Thursday, January 28, 2010
What's He Saying To Me?
In the last half an hour, I've read two blogs (one I read often and one I've NEVER read before) and both blogs contain Psalm: 139
And now I'm trying to find out what He needs me to know...
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
And now I'm trying to find out what He needs me to know...
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I Am Not Good Without God (And Some Updates)
My TOMS shoes came!! It makes me really happy. And I've got at least 5 or 6 (okay...maybe like 8) dolls coming for when I go to South Africa to meet Vashti and the Project O orphans. I'm really excited about it and it's helping brighten my week. Plus, I get to see my grandparents tonight.
MY SISTER GOT A JOB!!! She's a massage therapist and she lives in Ohio (of all the places to get a job right now, you know?) and she JUST got a job. With a chiropractor. So proud of her.
The photo is dark, but it's one of my favorite of us.
But the title...the title. It's a small rant, so you can ignore it if you wish. I was looking at the AM New York yesterday without reading it. And the cover said, 'Got God?' Then I was watching NY1 and here's what it's about.
Atheists-NYC are paying for a campaign on the subway. That's fine by me. I mean, there are ads advertising Christianity and Islam and everything else under the sun. There are even ads about how you shouldn't drink Snapple because it'll make you fat! Ridiculous. Here's the ad:
And here's my thought. I am not good without God. I feel empty without God. And I'm not just good with God, God makes things GREAT! God gives us the courage to go on in faith and in love.
My office, for the most part, is very anti-Christianity. And it sucks. Well, for me. And I know that they wonder why I believe in God when, to them, they see no evidence.
Have you ever seen a sunrise or heard a child laugh? Yeah, yeah. Maybe it's a cliche, but there is so much beauty in this world. Even in our deepest pain, you can find beauty.
My friends have started an organization entitled History Starts Now. It deals with child trafficking and a wish to end it in our lifetime. These children are suffering greatly, but I see beauty in their love that my friends are showing in wanting to end the suffering children they will never know or meet. Or Vashti at Project O. What did she know about orphans in South Africa? And it's hard. It's brutally hard to see these children suffer, but I know that she loves them all. How beautiful is the heart of a person who loves like that?
And I don't think that love just came out of a swamp or anything like that. I don't think the way we think or feel is natural at all. And if it's not natural, then where did it come from?
So no. I am not good without God. But with Him, I can do great things. He makes the ordinary extraordinary. He is changing the world.
Sorry :) I just had to let it out. I hope everyone is having a good day! (And 'When The Saints' is DEFINITELY on repeat today!)
MY SISTER GOT A JOB!!! She's a massage therapist and she lives in Ohio (of all the places to get a job right now, you know?) and she JUST got a job. With a chiropractor. So proud of her.
The photo is dark, but it's one of my favorite of us.
But the title...the title. It's a small rant, so you can ignore it if you wish. I was looking at the AM New York yesterday without reading it. And the cover said, 'Got God?' Then I was watching NY1 and here's what it's about.
Atheists-NYC are paying for a campaign on the subway. That's fine by me. I mean, there are ads advertising Christianity and Islam and everything else under the sun. There are even ads about how you shouldn't drink Snapple because it'll make you fat! Ridiculous. Here's the ad:
And here's my thought. I am not good without God. I feel empty without God. And I'm not just good with God, God makes things GREAT! God gives us the courage to go on in faith and in love.
My office, for the most part, is very anti-Christianity. And it sucks. Well, for me. And I know that they wonder why I believe in God when, to them, they see no evidence.
Have you ever seen a sunrise or heard a child laugh? Yeah, yeah. Maybe it's a cliche, but there is so much beauty in this world. Even in our deepest pain, you can find beauty.
My friends have started an organization entitled History Starts Now. It deals with child trafficking and a wish to end it in our lifetime. These children are suffering greatly, but I see beauty in their love that my friends are showing in wanting to end the suffering children they will never know or meet. Or Vashti at Project O. What did she know about orphans in South Africa? And it's hard. It's brutally hard to see these children suffer, but I know that she loves them all. How beautiful is the heart of a person who loves like that?
And I don't think that love just came out of a swamp or anything like that. I don't think the way we think or feel is natural at all. And if it's not natural, then where did it come from?
So no. I am not good without God. But with Him, I can do great things. He makes the ordinary extraordinary. He is changing the world.
Sorry :) I just had to let it out. I hope everyone is having a good day! (And 'When The Saints' is DEFINITELY on repeat today!)
Monday, October 19, 2009
Friend-Makin' Mondays
Oh, how I love Friend-Makin' Mondays!! If you'd like to join in, please click here!
What Makes You Happy?
What makes me happy...
1) God makes me happy. I don't give Him as much credit as I should, but I'm pretty sure He's doing a ton of good stuff in my life and I need to acknowledge it more.
2) My husband. He's ridiculous and caring and always there when I need him. He's my travel companion, my right-hand man, and my partner-in-crime.
3) My family! Sure, I'm being very cliche, but that's fine by me! I only see my family twice a year and so it makes me appreciate them more and more.
4) Vindaloo!! We've only had her for about a week, but she's cute and I love her. Even when her butt is in my face at 6am or she's knocked my wedding ring over. Or that she's meowing her head off while I'm in the kitchen. No, cat, I am not feeding you again!
5) My voice-over work. I haven't really mentioned it on here, but I do voice-over work for MTV.com (also where I am a production assistant). It brightens my day every time that I can get in the VO booth and do some recording.
6) Sweater weather. Not what we have now, but when it's like...say...60-65 degrees. As of the moment, it's freaking freezing!!
7) Hong Kong. It's become like a second home to me and I can get around Central like I've lived there forever. If I could move there, I would.
8) My friends. I should say now, that this list is in no particular order. I love my friends from college and the friends I've made in NYC. AND all my blog friends. If you would have asked me a year ago if I'd ever have blog friends...but I LOVE you guys!!
This is my friend Rachel. She ran after an ice cream truck to get me chocolate ice cream. I love her :)
9) Getting mail. I LOVE receiving mail. LOVE IT. I've always loved getting mail, even as a kid. I was always the one who walked across the street or, later in life, the quarter of a mile down our driveway to pick it up.
10) Bubble tea. I was supposed to get some this weekend, but I didn't. Oh well. It does make me happy!!
11) Baking and cooking. I was the girl who used to burn all the macaroni into one big rubber ball. But I've gotten a LOT better and I love to cook and bake (I'm better at baking). It makes me happy...but not the cleaning up part!
12) Okay, last one. Random incidents. I love random things. I love finding forks in the road in upstate New York or...when I used to have a yellow car (A yellow Ford Focus hatchback, to be exact!), I was pumping gas at a gas station. A van comes roaring in beside me and three people jump out. They say, 'We're doing a church scavenger hunt and we need to get a picture pumping gas into a yellow car!' So they take the picture and I'm like...ooookkkkaaaayyyyyy. So I'm about to get into my car and...another van pulls in! They jump out and start to explain and I say, 'They were just here a minute ago!' So they run, take the picture, and speed away. What a crazy day!
But this picture has to be my favorite. I was with my family about a month before the Olympics in Beijing. A school class saw us and, recognizing we were probably English speaking, all started to yell, 'hi!' So we got together and took a picture with them. They then asked my sister if she would stay with them and if she was a movie star.
So what makes you happy?
Friday, October 16, 2009
What's Wrong With 'Forever'?
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
Hebrews 11:1
I grew up in church, but church was something we did on Sunday. Then, I got really involved in the church and loved it. But the adults at my church kind of ruined it. I didn't go to church then for a few years. I found a service I loved after a few years in college. Then I moved away. We went to at least 4 churches in Manhattan and in Jersey City. We had some good experiences, but it never felt like home. Then we found the church that we're at now and it feels like family.
But I still have moments of doubt. It's never over anything big - it's always the small things that grab me and it's almost always at night. Just small questions about faith and about the nature of Jesus. About the nature of God. What Heaven is like. Does it really have to be all white? What did Jesus look like and why can't I picture him other than being really clean, white, and handsome?
Then I start to feel REALLY guilty. REALLY guilty. What if all my questions have upset God? What am I doing?! Then I start to think about the concept of 'forever' and that's it, I can't sleep. I was that one kid in class that, when we read 'Tuck Everlasting' about living forever, I was the one that wanted to die. The concept of 'forever' horrifies me. What could you do with all that time?!
Have you ever read Donald Miller? He really helps me grapple with some of my questions. And I always stumble upon things when I need to. I read something once that Jesus was one of three things: He was either a liar, a lunatic, or the Lord. And that Heaven isn't a white puffy cloud that we all just play harps on, but a place where we feel so much love we could just burst. Where we feel complete. Not fat, not ugly, not tired, not stressed, not pained. And I read these things and they bring me to tears and I know it's true...
And then I start back at the beginning. And it frustrates me.
But I guess that's how it works, right?
We work on being God's masterpiece and some things...He's able to chip that away really quickly, but other pieces...other pieces he goes to paint, to finish that brush stroke, but I keep trying to dry the paint before it gets to me.
I just need to let Him paint me in the way He wants to.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Who I Am
I told my co-workers that I had to run out last night because I had Bible study. One of them laughed until he realized I was serious. The other asked what you do in Bible study.
He asked me, 'Are you really religious?'
My response was 'kind of.' But I didn't explain myself.
There's a reason I say, 'kind of.' Because when you say you're religious, people get this idea in their head. You hate gays, strongly oppose abortion, and think you're better than everyone else.
I am against abortion, but I wouldn't tell a hurting woman who'd had one that she was wrong. I'd want to be able to try and love her and help her heal.
Jesus called us to love all people and, honestly, I think if Jesus had come back in our time instead of ages ago, I think he would have hung out with gay friends, because he always showed us how stupid we are when we decide to ostracize a group of people. He would have hung out with Susan Boyle way before anybody else would have.
I don't know all the answers, but I really appreciated what my pastor said to me when we were talking about homosexuality and the church. She said, "I don't know. But when I go to stand before my Maker, like we all will, I want to tell Him that I loved people with everything I had."
I'm trying not to think that I'm better than anyone else, because I'm not. It doesn't matter what I do in this life, the bad will always outweigh the good. But God has given me so, so many more chances then I've ever deserved.
I just wish I could explain it at work when people ask!!
He asked me, 'Are you really religious?'
My response was 'kind of.' But I didn't explain myself.
There's a reason I say, 'kind of.' Because when you say you're religious, people get this idea in their head. You hate gays, strongly oppose abortion, and think you're better than everyone else.
I am against abortion, but I wouldn't tell a hurting woman who'd had one that she was wrong. I'd want to be able to try and love her and help her heal.
Jesus called us to love all people and, honestly, I think if Jesus had come back in our time instead of ages ago, I think he would have hung out with gay friends, because he always showed us how stupid we are when we decide to ostracize a group of people. He would have hung out with Susan Boyle way before anybody else would have.
I don't know all the answers, but I really appreciated what my pastor said to me when we were talking about homosexuality and the church. She said, "I don't know. But when I go to stand before my Maker, like we all will, I want to tell Him that I loved people with everything I had."
I'm trying not to think that I'm better than anyone else, because I'm not. It doesn't matter what I do in this life, the bad will always outweigh the good. But God has given me so, so many more chances then I've ever deserved.
I just wish I could explain it at work when people ask!!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Weird
It's been a strange morning. My uterus has been trying to slowly kill me today and I'm just feeling generally...weird.
So a few weeks ago, I didn't realize I was standing on a woman's foot on the subway and she literally pushed me. Ever since then, I've had trepidation about standing in the middle of the subway car. For those not familiar, it would be away from the doors and standing between the two rows of seats. For me, I don't care if I get a seat as long as I don't have to worry about stepping on other people and getting the smack down.
I know that I was being weird and maybe a little whiny on the subway. I had a lot to carry (including a whole thing of cupcakes). So some seats opened up and so did the prime real-estate by the doors that don't open (except at 110. I'm on the 2,3 line). Didn't make it in time. Visibly disappointed.
This woman is sitting there and as she's reading her paper, just starts going off about an "ignorant b*tch". She is going on and on and on. Then I hear somebody say, "Please stop." Steve and I just keep looking at each other. He told me that the woman I guess was talking about the cupcakes he was holding too. So we go through the ride, I'm nearly falling into someone's lap and I tell Steve that I'm not going to be able to get out with the cupcakes and he says he's going to come with me. He pretends to rest the container on my head. At that point, I don't really care. Sit them on my head!
Then, as we turn to get out, the woman gets up and says, "Alright, Princess." She was looking in my direction. My direction. Am I the "ignorant b*tch"? I'm not sure. I didn't think so. I didn't want a seat and, yes, maybe I was a little more irritable then normal. I don't know. I have more of an issue with being called "Princess" than "Ignorant b*tch". Steve doesn't think she was talking about me. I have no clue. Which is why I feel more confused then angry.
I just don't understand New York sometimes. I'm just kind of fed up at the moment for a variety of reasons. Some of which are from what appears to be my waking up on the wrong side of the bed. I've been praying for a bit of piece. I know it'll come if I just stop dwelling on it all, you know? But there's a part of me that won't let it rest.
Oh well. Soon enough. God is here, I just need to listen. And look up plane flights to somewhere else :)
Edit: My husband says that he doesn't believe this woman was talking about me because she was calling the "ignorant b*tch" a "fatass" and he says that I have a "cute butt". :) He knows how to make me smile!
So a few weeks ago, I didn't realize I was standing on a woman's foot on the subway and she literally pushed me. Ever since then, I've had trepidation about standing in the middle of the subway car. For those not familiar, it would be away from the doors and standing between the two rows of seats. For me, I don't care if I get a seat as long as I don't have to worry about stepping on other people and getting the smack down.
I know that I was being weird and maybe a little whiny on the subway. I had a lot to carry (including a whole thing of cupcakes). So some seats opened up and so did the prime real-estate by the doors that don't open (except at 110. I'm on the 2,3 line). Didn't make it in time. Visibly disappointed.
This woman is sitting there and as she's reading her paper, just starts going off about an "ignorant b*tch". She is going on and on and on. Then I hear somebody say, "Please stop." Steve and I just keep looking at each other. He told me that the woman I guess was talking about the cupcakes he was holding too. So we go through the ride, I'm nearly falling into someone's lap and I tell Steve that I'm not going to be able to get out with the cupcakes and he says he's going to come with me. He pretends to rest the container on my head. At that point, I don't really care. Sit them on my head!
Then, as we turn to get out, the woman gets up and says, "Alright, Princess." She was looking in my direction. My direction. Am I the "ignorant b*tch"? I'm not sure. I didn't think so. I didn't want a seat and, yes, maybe I was a little more irritable then normal. I don't know. I have more of an issue with being called "Princess" than "Ignorant b*tch". Steve doesn't think she was talking about me. I have no clue. Which is why I feel more confused then angry.
I just don't understand New York sometimes. I'm just kind of fed up at the moment for a variety of reasons. Some of which are from what appears to be my waking up on the wrong side of the bed. I've been praying for a bit of piece. I know it'll come if I just stop dwelling on it all, you know? But there's a part of me that won't let it rest.
Oh well. Soon enough. God is here, I just need to listen. And look up plane flights to somewhere else :)
Edit: My husband says that he doesn't believe this woman was talking about me because she was calling the "ignorant b*tch" a "fatass" and he says that I have a "cute butt". :) He knows how to make me smile!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Feeling Fat
I may as well have an eating disorder. I've been pretty close to one my whole life.
Ever since I was young, every time I ate, I could feel my thighs expanding and I start to freak out. Not just with cake, but with EVERYTHING. But yeah...we're supposed to eat. Pretty sure about that.
I try to tell myself, 'God loves you, even when your thighs touch. When you get to heaven and have to stand before Him, He's not going to say 'Well, your butt jiggles when you walk so...off you go!' '
But I still freak out. It makes me feel ridiculous. I'm between 148 and 149, which is just on the cusp of being "overweight". I guess. I'm still at normal. I just need to be better about my eating and blah blah blah. Which is freaking hard. Steve eats all. the. time. He eats and he loses weight. Drives me NUTS.
It'll be okay. God loves me the way I am. I just need to love me the way I am.
Ever since I was young, every time I ate, I could feel my thighs expanding and I start to freak out. Not just with cake, but with EVERYTHING. But yeah...we're supposed to eat. Pretty sure about that.
I try to tell myself, 'God loves you, even when your thighs touch. When you get to heaven and have to stand before Him, He's not going to say 'Well, your butt jiggles when you walk so...off you go!' '
But I still freak out. It makes me feel ridiculous. I'm between 148 and 149, which is just on the cusp of being "overweight". I guess. I'm still at normal. I just need to be better about my eating and blah blah blah. Which is freaking hard. Steve eats all. the. time. He eats and he loses weight. Drives me NUTS.
It'll be okay. God loves me the way I am. I just need to love me the way I am.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
What Is a Miracle?
This is going to sound ridiculous, but I love gangster movies. Gangster, mafia movies and one of my favorite movies of all time is Pulp Fiction (Love Quentin Tarantino!). AND I find that there's a part that has also given me some faith and is part of how I love God today. It comes at the end, at the diner scene, after Jules and Vincent have accidentally shot their partner in the face.
(I scrubbed it for you too ;) )
Jules: What is a miracle, Vincent?
Vincent: An act of God?
Jules: And what's an act of God?
Vincent: When God makes the impossible possible...but this morning I don't think qualifies.
Jules: Hey Vincent, don't you see that s**t don't matter? You're judging this s**t the wrong way. I mean it could be, God stopped the bullets, he changed Coke to Pepsi, he found my f***ing car keys. You don't judge s**t like this based on merit. Now, whether or not what we experienced was an according-to-Hoyle miracle is insignificant. But what IS significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved.
ISN'T THAT WHAT IT REALLY IS?! Isn't it?! Maybe He didn't cure us from something we find awful, but maybe He let us see that something awful in a different way? It's the touch of God that's important.
Here's the clip it's from. It's about 1:34 in that the conversation happens. By the way, uncensored. :)
(I scrubbed it for you too ;) )
Jules: What is a miracle, Vincent?
Vincent: An act of God?
Jules: And what's an act of God?
Vincent: When God makes the impossible possible...but this morning I don't think qualifies.
Jules: Hey Vincent, don't you see that s**t don't matter? You're judging this s**t the wrong way. I mean it could be, God stopped the bullets, he changed Coke to Pepsi, he found my f***ing car keys. You don't judge s**t like this based on merit. Now, whether or not what we experienced was an according-to-Hoyle miracle is insignificant. But what IS significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved.
ISN'T THAT WHAT IT REALLY IS?! Isn't it?! Maybe He didn't cure us from something we find awful, but maybe He let us see that something awful in a different way? It's the touch of God that's important.
Here's the clip it's from. It's about 1:34 in that the conversation happens. By the way, uncensored. :)
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