Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
I grew up in church, but church was something we did on Sunday. Then, I got really involved in the church and loved it. But the adults at my church kind of ruined it. I didn't go to church then for a few years. I found a service I loved after a few years in college. Then I moved away. We went to at least 4 churches in Manhattan and in Jersey City. We had some good experiences, but it never felt like home. Then we found the church that we're at now and it feels like family.
But I still have moments of doubt. It's never over anything big - it's always the small things that grab me and it's almost always at night. Just small questions about faith and about the nature of Jesus. About the nature of God. What Heaven is like. Does it really have to be all white? What did Jesus look like and why can't I picture him other than being really clean, white, and handsome?
Then I start to feel REALLY guilty. REALLY guilty. What if all my questions have upset God? What am I doing?! Then I start to think about the concept of 'forever' and that's it, I can't sleep. I was that one kid in class that, when we read 'Tuck Everlasting' about living forever, I was the one that wanted to die. The concept of 'forever' horrifies me. What could you do with all that time?!
Have you ever read Donald Miller? He really helps me grapple with some of my questions. And I always stumble upon things when I need to. I read something once that Jesus was one of three things: He was either a liar, a lunatic, or the Lord. And that Heaven isn't a white puffy cloud that we all just play harps on, but a place where we feel so much love we could just burst. Where we feel complete. Not fat, not ugly, not tired, not stressed, not pained. And I read these things and they bring me to tears and I know it's true...
And then I start back at the beginning. And it frustrates me.
But I guess that's how it works, right?
We work on being God's masterpiece and some things...He's able to chip that away really quickly, but other pieces...other pieces he goes to paint, to finish that brush stroke, but I keep trying to dry the paint before it gets to me.
I just need to let Him paint me in the way He wants to.